You’ve been going for a while now. You show up, you talk, you drive home, and somewhere around the third week in a row you catch yourself wondering: is this actually doing anything?
It’s a fair question, and asking it doesn’t mean you’ve failed. Couples counseling has likely stalled when weeks go by with no change in how you argue, reconnect, or recover after a hard moment. Other signs are sessions that feel like the same fight with a referee or one of you quietly giving up. Feeling uncomfortable in session is different. That’s often part of the work.
If you’re in couples counseling in Indiana and can’t tell which one you’re dealing with, this guide covers how to spot the difference, what the research says, and what to do next.
Hard Sessions and Failing Sessions Aren’t the Same Thing
Couples counseling asks you to say out loud the things you’ve been avoiding, sometimes for years. So yes, some sessions feel worse before they feel better. According to The Gottman Institute, relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman found that couples wait an average of six years of being unhappy before getting help. That’s a lot of history to work through in a few weeks.
Early sessions also tend to focus on the therapist learning your story, not on fixing anything yet. We wrote about what that first stretch usually feels like in Your Partner Agreed to Couples Counseling in Marion; Here Is How to Make That First Appointment Less Awkward.
This part surprises a lot of couples: not every argument is supposed to go away. Gottman’s research found that 69% of problems in a relationship are unsolvable, usually because they come from differences in personality or core needs. Still disagreeing about money or how clean the kitchen should be doesn’t, by itself, mean therapy has failed. The better question is whether you handle those disagreements differently than you used to.
So what does it look like when counseling really has stalled?
7 Signs Your Couples Counseling Has Stopped Working
1. Every session is the same session
You walk in, someone brings up the latest blowup, and you spend the whole appointment replaying it. Next week, you do it again. Talking about conflict is part of therapy. Rehashing it with no new insight, skill, or shift means you’re stuck.
2. Nothing changes between appointments.
Real progress usually shows up at home first. A fight cools off faster. An apology actually lands. A weeknight feels easy for once. If the only place you work on your relationship is the therapist’s office, the work isn’t carrying over. A good couples therapist gives you practical things to try between sessions.
3. You can’t say what you’re working toward
Ask yourselves: what are we trying to change? If neither of you can answer, or you’d each say something completely different, your counseling may be missing a clear target. Goals can shift over time. They should still exist.
4. One of you feels like the therapist picked a side
In couples counseling, the relationship is the client. If one of you keeps leaving sessions feeling ganged up on or dismissed, bring it up right away. It doesn’t automatically mean the therapist is biased, but it does mean something in the room needs attention.
5. One partner has already checked out
Sometimes counseling stalls because one person is privately leaning toward leaving while the other is fighting to save things. These are often called “mixed-agenda” couples. Traditional couples counseling assumes both partners want to work on the relationship, so it can spin its wheels when that isn’t true yet.
6. You leave sessions feeling less safe
Counseling can be uncomfortable. It shouldn’t feel dangerous. If what you say in session gets used against you later, or you hold back because you’re afraid of what will happen at home, read the safety section below before your next appointment.
7. A bigger individual struggle keeps taking over
Untreated depression, trauma, or anxiety in one partner can make it very hard to practice new relationship skills. It’s tough to stay calm in a hard conversation when your body is always braced for the next threat. Sometimes the most helpful next step is adding individual therapy or trauma therapy alongside couples work. Depression in particular can hide in plain sight, as we explain in Depression That Looks Like Exhaustion.
What Research Says About When Couples Counseling Works
The good news is that couples therapy helps most people who try it. A 2012 research review in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy found that couple therapy positively impacts about 70% of couples who receive it. That’s a success rate similar to individual therapy.
That still leaves a real number of couples who don’t improve, and one study points to something that helps. Researchers followed 205 couples at a family counseling center in Norway. Half of them rated how they were doing at the start of every session, and their therapists adjusted based on those ratings. At the six-month follow-up, 18.4% of the feedback couples had separated or divorced, compared to 34.2% of couples who didn’t give feedback.
The lesson is simple. Telling your therapist honestly how it’s going, every session is part of the treatment and one of the strongest tools you have.
What to Do If You Think Couples Counseling Isn’t Working
Before you quit, try these steps. A lot of stalls can be turned around.
Say it in session. “I don’t feel like we’re getting anywhere” is one of the most useful sentences you can bring to a therapist. A good one will want to hear it.
Ask for a progress check. Ask how your therapist tracks change, and whether you can do a quick rating at the start of each session, like the couples in that Norway study.
Revisit your goals. Agree on one or two specific things you want to be different a few months from now.
Ask about individual sessions. At Mackee Counseling, most couples sessions include both partners, but individual sessions can be used when they help. Sometimes one person needs space to say what they can’t yet say in front of their partner.
Consider discernment counseling if one of you is leaning out. Developed by Dr. William Doherty at the University of Minnesota, discernment counseling is a short-term approach, usually one to five sessions. It helps mixed-agenda couples choose between keeping things as they are, separating, or committing to six months of intensive couples therapy.
Switch therapists if the fit is wrong. If you’ve raised your concerns and nothing shifts, it’s okay to look for a therapist whose style works better for both of you.
When Couples Counseling Isn’t the Right Tool
If there is physical violence, threats, intimidation, or controlling behavior in your relationship, couples counseling is not the place to start. The National Domestic Violence Hotline does not encourage anyone in an abusive relationship to attend counseling with their partner. Anything said in session can be used against the person being harmed, and therapy can’t fix the unequal power at the center of abuse. Individual support is the safer path. You can reach the hotline at 800-799-7233 or by texting START to 88788. If you’re in immediate danger, call 911.
Finding Couples Counseling in Indiana That Actually Fits
Whether you’re starting over or starting for the first time, look for a therapist who:
Stays neutral and works for the relationship, not for one partner
Sets clear goals with you early on
Checks in regularly on whether things are getting better
Gives you practical tools to use at home
Screens for safety and tells you when a different kind of help would serve you better
At Mackee Counseling, our couples counseling is built around those same priorities. Our therapists don’t take sides. We tailor the work to each couple and give you practical strategies to use between sessions. You can meet with us in person at our office at 1331 W 35th St in Marion, or through secure virtual couples counseling from anywhere in Indiana.
Still deciding whether counseling makes sense? 5 Signs Your Relationship Could Benefit From Couples Counseling in Indiana is a good place to start. If one of you is working through trauma in individual therapy, How Indiana Couples Can Support Each Other During Individual Trauma Therapy has ideas for supporting each other along the way. And if the tension at home is affecting your kids too, family counseling can give everyone a place to be heard.
Frequently Asked Questions About Couples Counseling in Indiana
How many sessions does it take for couples counseling to start working?
It varies. Many couples notice small shifts within the first several sessions, even before the big issues are solved. If months go by with no change at all, talk to your therapist about it.
Is it normal to feel worse after a couples counseling session?
Sometimes, yes. Talking about painful topics can stir things up for a day or two. Feeling worse week after week with no sense of progress, or feeling unsafe after sessions, is not normal.
Should we stop counseling or switch therapists?
If you’ve told your therapist what isn’t working and nothing changes, switching is often a better move than stopping. A different therapist or approach can make a real difference.
Can couples counseling work if only one of us wants to stay together?
It’s harder, but you have options. Discernment counseling was created for exactly this situation, when one partner is leaning out and the other wants to keep trying.
Does Mackee Counseling offer virtual couples counseling in Indiana?
Yes. We offer virtual couples counseling through secure, HIPAA-compliant video, along with in-person sessions at our Marion office.
Does insurance cover couples counseling?
Mackee Counseling accepts most insurance plans, but coverage for couples counseling depends on your plan. Call us at (765) 573-5055 to see if your insurance is accepted, and check with your plan about what it covers.
You Don’t Have to Figure This Out Alone
Wondering whether counseling is working shows that you care about getting this right. That’s worth bringing into the room, not hiding from it.
Whether you need a fresh start with a new therapist, a different approach, or your first appointment, we’re here to help. Request an appointment and a member of our team will reach out within 24 business hours to match you with a therapist. You can also call us at (765) 573-5055.
